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Posted by: Laura on October 14, 2012

Let me start by stating two facts:

  1. This is October
  1. I LOVE me some candy.

Normally, my grocery store visits consist of outer perimeter market shopping only because as you know from reading Peanut Butter and the Bride, below, I get into big trouble perusing isles. But how in the world are you supposed to skip one when it looks like this:

Although I haven’t been, I’m pretty sure heaven looks quite similar.

So let’s talk about a very popular word that people like to throw around effortlessly when “dieting” and that word is MODERATION. When people tell me they like to “enjoy things in moderation” I say (or rather think silently to myself) one of two things:


2. What the Eff??!! HOW do you DO that?!!!

Now, there really are people out there that can do this “M” thing and well, it kinda pisses me off. My husband it one of these people. Before we were married, I went over to his house one evening, opened up the fridge and saw a bag of THESE staring at me:

REALLY?  I am supposed to just hang out and enjoy his company while these innocent snack size morsels from heaven whisper to me through the refrigerator walls?! Not in this lifetime….

Me: Um… Who’s are these?? (As if there was possibly a neighbor or alien that asked to borrow fridge space).

Jay: Mine, want one?

Me: (Silently to myself: ONE???! WHO IN THE EFF EATS JUST ONE??!! SURELY HE MEANT ONE BAG, RIGHT?) No thanks baby, I’m full from dinner. (YA, AS IF!)

Jay: Ok, well I am going to have one.

Me: ( Again silently: That A-hole can eat just one and then carry on with life knowing there are 62 more of them in the fridge?!!!) Enjoy, honey.

Now, although I do have a closet full of very accommodating denim (fat jeans, skinny jeans, really effing good day extra skinny jeans, after vacation jeans, too much salt jeans, period jeans, and jeans) I am a much happier person when the skinnies fit-sans muffin top to be exact.

Well, tis the month of candy dishes EVERYWHERE I GO, I thought a post about how to control the urge to splurge would be fitting this time of year, and a Google search of “Halloween candy moderation” led me to this joke, err, advice from a registered dietitian whose name I will leave out for my own safety:

“While candy is typically perceived as being low in nutritional value, scientific research has revealed that there are potential benefits associated with incorporating some types of sweet treats into ones diet.

Two specific examples are dark chocolate, which lowers cardiovascular disease and chewing gum, which helps with managing calorie intake.”

UMMMM DUHHHH HUHH WHAT?!! Not to go again with my number 1 and 2’s but….:

1. Who really eats only the .9823567 daily recommended serving of dark chocolate and….

2. Gum, really lady? If you know me, this is funny. If you don’t know me, don’t get to know me if I have recently indulged myself in a pack or ten of my favorite chewing heaven-aka flatulence hell-aka gum.

So, it may seem after reading my rants and rambles that I don’t really have any worthy advice or suggestions and you are right, I don’t. But- I will tell you what I do to not fall completely off my own wagon:

1. I tell my husband NO. If he wants to buy his itty bitty cutesy patootsie peanut butter chocolaty pumpkins, then he also better buy a lockbox to go with them.

2. I don’t have just one. If I dig into one candy dish, you can bet your bottom dollar I have just given myself unspoken permission to dig into ANY and ALL candy dishes until November 1, or whenever it is those things actually get put away!? How do people work with one on their desk anyway??? That is seriously an “Unsolved Mystery” in my book.

3. I buy candy for trick or treaters on October 31 so that I most likely will be stuck with boxes of these:

                         INSTEAD OF A BOWL FILLED WITH THIS:

4. And finally, the last kid to come to the house scores the entire rest of the red hots, or whatever other “less than stellar” candy I happen to end up with, because while it may not be my favorite-heck, it may not even be good, but if its candy and it’s in my house-it will end up in my mouth.

Here’s to hoping heaven is indeed one giant candy isle,




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