Ok, no, I don’t exactly want to flip babies – but seriously WTF is going on with me??! I am having a little problem called: I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HAVING A BABY and I don’t like it!! Btw, flipping is another word for fu#$!ng – and this obsessing over kids is seriously flipping nuts!! Let’s see, where do I ever begin? Oh I know – how about by telling you that I don’t even like babies. As in, NOT ONE BIT, but for some crazyyyyyyyy reason – having one is all I’ve been thinking about. Almost as much as I think about food, aka TOO MUCH! Oh? It’s my biological clock you say? Shouldn’t that s#!t have started ticking when I was in my 20′s? Well, whoever replaced those batteries isn’t currently on my “favorites” list.
You see, this all seemed to start after I saw a woman in Target pushing her baby around in a cart. I didn’t give a rats a@@ about the nino, I just wanted to be like the mother. I had the desire to push something in a cart so badly you’d swear it was my life’s purpose. And so I thought, maybe I just need more Great Danes – but then I will be out of a husband, so…
My biggest concern, besides getting fat and having morning sickness (I’d rather spend days being attacked, skinned alive, and drowned by a zombie apocalypse than throw-up once) is that I won’t like my baby, as in, get this thing the eff away from me, so I decided to talk to my best and most knowledgeable friend, Google, about my dilemma and do you know what he (yes, my Google is a he) told me??! THERE ARE MOTHERS OUT THERE THAT HATE THEIR BABIES!!! Frankly, this information scares me. Everyone says ” look at how much you love your dogs – imagine that love, but sooo much greater!” Really??! My dogs don’t barf on me or have screaming matches in Wal-Mart. They also poop outside (usually) and love their Mommy more than their Daddy, which won’t be the case with a child. Daddy will definitely be the favorite while Mommy stays locked away in the bathroom drinking cheap wine out of fancy stemmed glassware.
I guess I should be glad my Husband is such a softy with certain things. I mean, if I really end up not liking this whole parenting ordeal – I can probably just pack my bags and let the 2 bosom buddies live happily ever after.
Or, perhaps I can sell it? Does anyone know how many Great Danes I could get for a newborn???
I feel you judging me as you read this and you should stop! This is a big decision. Maybe if you knew how long it takes me to pick out a pack of gum at a gas station, you’d cut me a some slack…
Love something more than that face??!!! This one doesn’t ask for allowance raises, and even eats broccoli without complaint.