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I’m a Very Bad Jew

Posted by: Laura on December 24, 2012

Now, before I get started, I must say that there are 2 things I promised to never write about; religion and politics. I will also abstain from sharing my thoughts about gun control.


However, I just can’t help but talk about what a very bad Jew I am. Oh? You didn’t know I was Jewish? My maiden name, Weintraub, didn’t give it away?? Well apparently, just because I have a Christmas tree – oh EXCUSE me – a Holiday tree <—- what kind of b#llsh#t is that, btw?? I also send out Christmas cards, couldn’t tell you when Passover is, and mentioned something to my friend about the 12 nights of Hanukkah, it makes me a very bad Jew – according to my husband anyway, who is a devout Catholic, or is it Christian? I lose track with this kinda stuff…. Anyway, don’t tell my Dad any of these things cause I think he still eats gefilte fish and wishes I had married a rich, jewish doctor.


Now on to more important things, such as what happened at my routine dental exam this week. See this:


I don’t see it either, but apparently my gums are receding (what am I, effing 90 years old??) and now I need a GUM GRAFT. I used bold print incase you don’t understand how sheerly terrified I am of having this done. Perhaps letting you know that they need to REMOVE TISSUE FROM THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH AND STICK IT IN A POCKET THEY WILL MAKE BY RIPPING MY GUMS AWAY FROM MY TEETH AND THEN SEWING IT ALL TOGETHER will bring you some clarity. Ok, fine. Do what you need to do, but  how about removing tissue from a location that I wouldn’t mind having a little less of it – say, my ass for example? Seems like a little more of a win-win there, don’t ya think? I mean I am all for sacrificing a little pain in the name of beauty, but no one even knows about my little naked gum situation, which means no one will know the difference when I return from my visit to hell.

So, on my way home from the dentist, in an overly-chipper, upbeat, oral surgeon-loving kind of a mood,  I get stuck behind this:


Let me fill you in on what you can’t see in this picture: this is a Prius with grass painted all around the bottom edges of it.  ( I can’t make this stuff up, people!!) So basically, this genius used the money they saved by buying a roller skate of a car to paint grass around the trim, obviously to indicate to the rest of the world how “environmentally friendly” they are, and then, to top off their brilliance, they drive 62 miles per hour in the left lane. Newsflash A@@Hole- the added paint on your car is toxic and if you are so concerned about the planet, do the rest of us a favor and get your ass on a bicycle.


Ooops! Did I offend you because you drive a Prius? So does my dad – but he doesn’t read my blog.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FRIENDS!!! (That seems to be a pretty universally safe term, yes?)

Love, Me


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