Ok, so normally my posts are pretty upbeat. Or maybe not-but tonight I feel like ranting, and unfortunately my husband isn’t around to listen so you people luck out.
Rant #1: Television. Although many people find it hard to believe-I lived without television from age 18-33. What started as a bill I didn’t want to have after moving out of my mom’s house turned into something I just got used to not having and was perfectly ok with. Well, to my dismay, it turns out that when you get married, you don’t always get your way and my spouse seems to have a fairly common ailment among the male species in which I have appropriately named CLWSACAWHWOTVOIMD Disease – Can’t Live Without Sports And Carls jr. Ads With Hot Women On Television Or I Might Die Disease.
So, upon learning that my husband may not survive without cable I did what any good wife would do and told him to order it and pay the monthly bill as I surely wouldn’t be watching. Well fast forward to this evening when I accidentally mixed a toxic concoction of PMS and Facebook that left me wanting to escape reality for a bit, so I decided to **GASP** turn on the television. After figuring out how to start the dang thing (why do we have 5 flippin’ remotes on our coffee table?!!) and flipping through 9,341,965 channels-I finally found the show I wanted to watch!!! And look what I got:
NOT AUTHORIZED???!!! Out of 9,341,965 channels I pick the “not authorized” one??!!! I definitely won’t be gambling tonight.
Rant #2: Places that sell things behind glass so you have to ask for it in person. Now, as if having a gas problem while on vacation with your new husband isn’t bad enough, I recently found myself in this less then sexy predicament:
No there wasn’t another store around, yes the guy behind the counter was kinda cute, and of course I picked up my phone pretending to call “the friend that needed something for her stomach”. Seriously, did these need to be behind glass?? I mean, if people are suffering with flatulence bad enough to seek out pharmaceuticals – maybe stores could risk a possible theft now and then to help avoid the consumer’s humiliation. Aka: MINE!!!
Rant #3: People that don’t cover their mouth when they cough. Ok, I don’t know about you but I think I learned to cover my mouth before I learned to walk. HOWEVER, it appears to me that some nasty folks just didn’t get the effing memo!!!! Now, it’s one thing to just kinda clear your throat: ahem hem – you know the sound? But when you are hacking away like you are a 108 year old with asthma, that swallowed 2 porcupines and smoked 458 cigarettes for breakfast, CAN YOU PLEASE COVER YOUR F***ING MOUTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
It is because of you people that my name and the letters OCD can usually be found in the same sentence, and I can’t go for more than 6 minutes without reapplying my hand sanitizer. Now, just in case any of you reading this are guilty of such raunchy behavior, I have kindly staged some photos of myself engaging in open hole hacking with the high hopes you may change your mind about going “hands free” …..
Yes, you really do look that bad.
My husband thanks you for listening, and Lysol thanks me for keeping them in business,
L
