Let me start by saying that I hate showering. It isn’t so much that I don’t like feeling clean, or smelling good – although, those are both nice qualities to have, I suppose – but it’s more about the fact that the more times I am naked, the more chances I get to pick apart everything I dislike about my body. Okay, okay, I don’t just stand in front of the mirror and start dissecting. It’s just, ya know, when you prop your leg up onto the ledge to shave, for example and you’re all like: “ OH hello THIGH, you are looking mighty pale, large, and flabby since the holidays“, kind of inner dialogue that keeps me less than thrilled about a good ‘ol scrub a dub dub.

SO……. I am here to let you in on a little secret! It’s called: Faux Showering, and I just happen to be an expert at it, so listen up!

Faux Showering is done in 5 simple steps and is great for anyone like me, or anyone who complains they can’t workout before work because they don’t have time to shower, or heck, I don’t have kids yet, but I can imagine this would be a great way to insure their little butts get to school on time! Genius! Let’s get started, shall we?

STEP ONE: WIPE – and you know what areas I am referring to. Hint: it’s not your face.

STEP TWO: SWIPE – just the pitties will do, however under-boobs may sometimes need a little love too. Just sayin’.

STEP THREE: POWDER – yes, one of these is an edible kamasutra powder I won at a girly party, but I find it works much better as a shower faker then for it’s intended purpose. I mean, I’ll eat just about anything, but smelly powder doesn’t quite make the cut…

STEP FOUR: SPRAY – and don’t be shy. If they do it on the Axe commercial, surely you can do it in your bathroom!

STEP FIVE: SPRAY SOME MORE – but now we are talking spray powder for your hair. This stuff is like gold to me!! Do you have any idea how many days you can go without washing your hair so long as you have a spray dry shampoo??! I like to play a little game and see just how long I can abstain from a hair wash. Although I always try to win by beating my previous record, I’m pretty sure my husband prefers it when I lose.

So there you have it –  a simple, comprehensive, easy to follow yet thoroughly reliable source for making your life that much easier! And the best part? No one will ever have to know!! Just smile big and don’t miss a step!!

Here’s to saving the planet one less shower at a time,

Laura

Now, before I get started, I must say that there are 2 things I promised to never write about; religion and politics. I will also abstain from sharing my thoughts about gun control.

However, I just can’t help but talk about what a very bad Jew I am. Oh? You didn’t know I was Jewish? My maiden name, Weintraub, didn’t give it away?? Well apparently, just because I have a Christmas tree – oh EXCUSE me – a Holiday tree <—- what kind of b#llsh#t is that, btw?? I also send out Christmas cards, couldn’t tell you when Passover is, and mentioned something to my friend about the 12 nights of Hanukkah, it makes me a very bad Jew – according to my husband anyway, who is a devout Catholic, or is it Christian? I lose track with this kinda stuff…. Anyway, don’t tell my Dad any of these things cause I think he still eats gefilte fish and wishes I had married a rich, jewish doctor.

Now on to more important things, such as what happened at my routine dental exam this week. See this:

I don’t see it either, but apparently my gums are receding (what am I, effing 90 years old??) and now I need a GUM GRAFT. I used bold print incase you don’t understand how sheerly terrified I am of having this done. Perhaps letting you know that they need to REMOVE TISSUE FROM THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH AND STICK IT IN A POCKET THEY WILL MAKE BY RIPPING MY GUMS AWAY FROM MY TEETH AND THEN SEWING IT ALL TOGETHER will bring you some clarity. Ok, fine. Do what you need to do, but  how about removing tissue from a location that I wouldn’t mind having a little less of it – say, my ass for example? Seems like a little more of a win-win there, don’t ya think? I mean I am all for sacrificing a little pain in the name of beauty, but no one even knows about my little naked gum situation, which means no one will know the difference when I return from my visit to hell.

So, on my way home from the dentist, in an overly-chipper, upbeat, oral surgeon-loving kind of a mood,  I get stuck behind this:

Let me fill you in on what you can’t see in this picture: this is a Prius with grass painted all around the bottom edges of it.  ( I can’t make this stuff up, people!!) So basically, this genius used the money they saved by buying a roller skate of a car to paint grass around the trim, obviously to indicate to the rest of the world how “environmentally friendly” they are, and then, to top off their brilliance, they drive 62 miles per hour in the left lane. Newsflash A@@Hole- the added paint on your car is toxic and if you are so concerned about the planet, do the rest of us a favor and get your ass on a bicycle.

Ooops! Did I offend you because you drive a Prius? So does my dad – but he doesn’t read my blog.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FRIENDS!!! (That seems to be a pretty universally safe term, yes?)

Love, Me

So the word SEX is why you are really reading this post, isn’t it?! Well sorry to disappoint you right off the bat but I guess the word I really meant to use was SEXY. You see, people seem to assume that after a couple gets married they automatically enter into some type of wedded bliss, honeymoon phase kind of  BS. I mean, just because he’s now my husband, you think his morning breath smells like chocolate?! God. I. Wish. NO! We dated for EIGHT YEARS before tying the knot three months ago-so basically I haven’t seen a honeymoon phase for like, eight years. Now, I’m no mathematician, but I can tell you, that sh#t wears out quicker than a Magic Eraser (which I will cover shortly, btw).

Don’t get me wrong here, I think my husband is hot, but nothing screams SEXY to me like a man that cleans!!! I do love when he buys me flowers, and if he gives me a massage-that’s really great too, but when I come into the kitchen and see this:

We might as well head straight to the bedroom. Which brings up my next topic: The Magic F!#king Eraser!!!!!

So, we have a spare room that belonged to my Great Danes, but since one is old and doesn’t use the stairs very well, we have a mattress in our living room for him which left us a room upstairs that needed some MAJOR sprucing up. And by sprucing I mean a ‘poop stains on the wall’ kind of a situation. If you don’t have a large dog, and no your Goldendoodle doesn’t count, you probably don’t understand, but just imagine if you will. So, after spending my Sunday scrubbing walls, which I guess was better than watching football-my husband, The Cleaning Guru? chimed in with a “Why don’t you go to the store and get a Magic Eraser?” Magic Eraser my Ass! I thought to myself as I made my way down the household isle. If there was a cleaning product worth owning, I OWNED it-and Magic Eraser wasn’t in my repertoire….YET. 

The box says it erases marks. So, what – like pencil and fingerprint bullsh#t ?? I need some help with dried up, smeared in, caked on fecal matter here people! Whatever, it’s worth a shot…So I may be a little late here (this piece of gold was introduced in 2003?!!) but holi moli ecoli-this really is MAGIC!! I had to go buy the rest of them immediately out of fear others might make my same discovery and I wouldn’t be able to complete my latest project: MAGIC ERASER THE WHOLE ENTIRE  EFFING HOUSE!

    (It’s even Titan & Jessie approved!!)

So if you don’t hear from me for a while, you’ll know why…

Secretly dreaming of Mr. Clean,

Laura

OH! And btw, if you’ve read Peanut Butter and the Bride, you already know about my pre-wedding P.B. love affair, which means you would understand just how excited I got this week when a little gift arrived from Marsatta Fancy Chocolate (www.marsatta.com) in the form of beautiful chocolates FILLED WITH CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER – and this isn’t just any ‘ol Skippy! We are talking P.B. that was awarded best P.B. by LA Magazine!! And well, the chocolate speaks for itself! I am secretly hoping the creator of these amazing goodies will read this and send me his entire menu to try! Did I mention they make chocolate croissants?!! Just what I need before making my New Years resolution 😉 These are a ‘must try’ folks!