Let me start by saying that I hate showering. It isn’t so much that I don’t like feeling clean, or smelling good – although, those are both nice qualities to have, I suppose – but it’s more about the fact that the more times I am naked, the more chances I get to pick apart everything I dislike about my body. Okay, okay, I don’t just stand in front of the mirror and start dissecting. It’s just, ya know, when you prop your leg up onto the ledge to shave, for example and you’re all like: “ OH hello THIGH, you are looking mighty pale, large, and flabby since the holidays“, kind of inner dialogue that keeps me less than thrilled about a good ‘ol scrub a dub dub.
SO……. I am here to let you in on a little secret! It’s called: Faux Showering, and I just happen to be an expert at it, so listen up!
Faux Showering is done in 5 simple steps and is great for anyone like me, or anyone who complains they can’t workout before work because they don’t have time to shower, or heck, I don’t have kids yet, but I can imagine this would be a great way to insure their little butts get to school on time! Genius! Let’s get started, shall we?
STEP ONE: WIPE - and you know what areas I am referring to. Hint: it’s not your face.
STEP TWO: SWIPE – just the pitties will do, however under-boobs may sometimes need a little love too. Just sayin’.
STEP THREE: POWDER – yes, one of these is an edible kamasutra powder I won at a girly party, but I find it works much better as a shower faker then for it’s intended purpose. I mean, I’ll eat just about anything, but smelly powder doesn’t quite make the cut…
STEP FOUR: SPRAY – and don’t be shy. If they do it on the Axe commercial, surely you can do it in your bathroom!
STEP FIVE: SPRAY SOME MORE – but now we are talking spray powder for your hair. This stuff is like gold to me!! Do you have any idea how many days you can go without washing your hair so long as you have a spray dry shampoo??! I like to play a little game and see just how long I can abstain from a hair wash. Although I always try to win by beating my previous record, I’m pretty sure my husband prefers it when I lose.
So there you have it – a simple, comprehensive, easy to follow yet thoroughly reliable source for making your life that much easier! And the best part? No one will ever have to know!! Just smile big and don’t miss a step!!
Here’s to saving the planet one less shower at a time,